My final hour


The last time that I addressed you, dear reader, I believe I left you with the impression that I was engaged in an internal struggle. I spoke of a fairly major issue that I was trying in my own mind to resolve. The tone in which I spoke in my earlier work should have been sufficient to plant an understanding of what my next step would be. For those who missed the subtle message, I have decided to seek my fortune elsewhere and to push the famous 'disenroll' button.

Accordingly, I have recently been toying with the notion whether or not engineering is the right field in which to be seeking my future. Until recently, I was convinced that this was indeed the case. This is a conviction I have long held, but now I find that by a process of reasoning my mind is prescribing something different. Coming to this realization has certainly not been easy, neither has the process of admitting it to myself. It is, after all, difficult to abandon an idea that for a long time you have considered to be entirely natural. 

I can imagine that the reader is asking himself or herself how I will now be spending my time. Broadly speaking, I will concentrate on discovering the field in which I would rather be studying. Not that I have previously lacked diligence in this task, but as you may well have guessed, I did not look far beyond the realm of engineering. Now, by contrast, I have vowed to do so.

The first thing that occurs to me when I think about my decision is that I have been able to spend so little time with you. This applies to various groups: my immediate fellow students, the staff of Cursor, and the university. That we have not forged a closer bond is no doubt due to this never-ending plague, but it does not mean that it was not something for which I yearned. It is difficult to make a promise, but I am sincere when I say that I hope that our paths will cross again at some point in the future.

A few days ago a friend asked me the (sarcastic) question whether I felt like a failure. I feel compelled to say that I do feel a certain degree of shame; after all, I am walking away from an unfinished project. As a result, I feel more understanding towards others who are engaged in this same struggle, and I have learned that this is a step that people most definitely do take. I can comfort myself with the thought that I now feel more at ease than I did before making my immense decision. All that remains for me to decide is what I intend to do.

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