CLMN | Elevators and pants


My worst nightmare is being stuck in an elevator. When this column goes to print the first reaction I might receive would be ‘Ah! Claustrophobia’. But that is not all, ladies and gentlemen. There’s more to it. Actually, it is not the fear of closed spaces that we will be talking about today. I had to digress a bit before I completed my statement and I apologize for it. Allow me to finish what I started.

To be more specific: my worst nightmare is being stuck in an elevator with a bunch of people in it. I would like you to focus on the part ‘with a bunch of people’. Every morning as I take the elevator to get to my office on the fifth floor in Metaforum, I pray to either find the elevator all to myself or at least three familiar faces in there.

Yes, at least three! For me, the awkwardness of sharing the elevator with someone is as awkward as surviving an entire day wearing pants that are loose on the waist.

Imagine this; you could not make time for doing your laundry and had to take out your old pants from yesteryears. Back then you weighed much more than you do now. You have saved those pants as a souvenir, as a reminder to yourself, as a boost to your confidence when you need it the most.

But those pants don’t care about you at all. They’ve befriended gravity and are just waiting to notoriously fall into its arms. They’re just ready to reveal your objectionable underclothes. You have to hold on to them  every single time you stand up from your chair to get coffee. Sometimes when you rise from that comfortable chair, unaware you are that wearing those cursed pants, you almost save your dignity with a last minute reflex; catching your pants nanoseconds before they are about to drop.

It is so much of a mental and a physical workout that by the end of the day you’re just exhausted. And if you were wondering, why don’t I just wear a belt! Well, there are some unlucky days when life shoves up our a… ahem, posteriors.

Sigh! On second thought, my worst nightmare is being stuck in an elevator with unknown people, wearing loose pants. But what if they’re all wearing loose pants too..?

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