The 8 craziest press releases – part 2
Earlier this year, I wrote a column about some of the bizarre press releases Cursor receives almost on a daily basis. That piece was highly praised and I’m glad that the misplaced news messages eventually served a nice purpose after all: to bring a smile to people’s faces in these gloomy times. Perhaps we should turn this into a regular feature, once or twice a year? For now, here’s another motley collection of rarities, ranging from a rooftop sympodium and German porn to a far too expensive folder on your pc and the revelation that 007 always used to be quite dirty. Enjoy!
Number 8:
Picnic workers walk the picket line!
The majority of Picnic employees voted overwhelmingly in favor of a new collective labor agreement. We fail to see how that is of any interest to us as a university medium. Perhaps a side job as a grocery delivery driver is highly in demand among students? We feel that such a news message seems more appropriate for Picnic’s intranet. Oh well, it must have been a slow news day when they sent out this message.
Number 7:
Mind your spine when you’re eating a turkey
‘Spine Health Is Important at Thanksgiving Dinner,’ the headline of a press release by a certain Doctor Ken reads. Let us forget for a moment that Thanksgiving is one of the few American holidays that hasn’t carried over to the Netherlands yet – unlike Halloween and Black Friday – and see what the doctor has to say. The focus on good posture actually only serves as a teaser, the press release’s actual message is: ‘don’t gorge yourself on a Thanksgiving meal.’ In case you don’t even notice that you’re eating too much, doctor Ken offers a few tips to help you feel what it is you’re pushing down your throat. Because gluttony can be a very dangerous thing. However, apart from the excess weight risk, there’s something else you should take heed of during Thanksgiving dinner: the damage caused to your back because of stress. It’s really very important that you sit up straight. Moreover, a hunched posture prevents the food from moving into your stomach, as a result of which you won’t feel satiated. And so, you keep eating and eating, which leads to the risk of overeating. Are you finally sitting up straight? Now’s a good time to meditate (tip 2!). How cozy, a real Sunday activity for the entire family. I don’t want to keep the brilliant photo from you: isn’t this the typical smile we know from advertisements for smooth joints creams, Tena’s incontinence pads and super glue for broken dentures? And now we can add a healthy spinal column to this list.
Number 6:
Rooftop Award
Do you know of any inspiring rooftops? You could nominate these for the so-called Rooftop Award. ‘The battle for the best rooftop’ took place in Amsterdam on November 26. I assume that Sinterklaas sat on the jury. There was an actual rooftop symposium as well. And specific mention was made of late bird tickets. A discount for latecomers instead of early birds – perhaps that tells you something about the popularity of our rooftops.
Number 5:
Recorder competition 2021
Did you wipe off the dust from your recorder yet? Because it’s time for the recorder competition. Recorder players and enthusiasts gathered in Amsterdam to celebrate the Open Recorder Days. I guess it’s possible to enjoy whistles without being a whistler – you learn something new every day. The award ceremony took place in the Posthoorn church (what’s in a name).
Number 4:
Vuile Huichelaar 7
What happened to the first six huichelaars (Dutch for hypocrites)? It turns out to be a reference to the seventh sing-along theatre show of that title. The music, standup comedy, sing-along show takes place in the always charming town of Valkenswaard. Feisty panther costumes under a lampshade stare straight at me. The two ladies in charge of this circus sing about everything imaginable, as long as it’s in bad taste. The idea that this concept made money six times already, makes me wonder whether it’s time for me to consider a career switch. I wouldn’t be afraid to sing in Valkenswaard wearing a lampshade.
Number 3:
A passion that reaches across borders
Our neighbors to the east again – see the German shower cabins in the previous article for some more German humor. German television channel TELE 5 presents a high-quality online sex cinema. The program consists of erotic movies that meet high quality requirements and have an equally high entertainment value. Personally, the very thought of German porn causes me to have convulsions. You should look up German porn once, just for fun, preferably not on campus. Free tip from me to you! Anyway, you can’t blame German television from wanting to share this channel with our students, especially with all the nationalities at TU/e in mind. “We offer a wide variety of movies with attention to cultural differences. Spain, Russia and Berlin: there’s something to enjoy for all of you.” Viel Spaß!
Number 2:
How hygienic and healthy is James Bond?
When this message came in, I checked twice to see whether the date didn’t happen to be April 1. But no. Apparently, someone at Radboudumc has all the time and recourses in the world to carry out research into James Bond’s hygiene and health. I can think of a more useful research project. The researchers determined how frequently 007 washes his hands during the movies he appears in. They also noticed how he touches a raw chicken without washing his hands afterwards, how he drinks numerous martini cocktails without a drink of water in between, and how he has sexual intercourse no fewer than 59 times, without exchanging information about his own or his partners’ sexual histories. You bad Bond! The researchers concluded that Bond has taken a much greater health risk than hitherto imagined. May I remind the researchers that James Bond is a fictitious character? Meanwhile, I wonder what risks they believe Pippi Longstocking has been exposed to. Does someone else have a research grant they need to spend before the end of the year?
Number 1:
The BereavedBox
If you can’t take it anymore after news messages 8 to 1, you better prepare yourself. ‘What happens to your personal data after you pass away or after you’ve become incapable of doing anything anymore? This new, socially relevant product offers the solution: the BereavedBox.’ Just when I think: a nice, handy box on your coffee table for your bereaved to find, it turns out that the BereavedBox is a computer program you always need to install locally. This means that your loved ones need to hack into your computer during their period of mourning to get to your most important box. ‘This program takes away the worries of the bereaved,’ I’m not so sure about that. The box costs 29.50 euros and also functions on USB, easy to leave behind on the notary’s desk! But what if I simply create a folder on my pc with my wishes? Anyone can do that, and it’s free! Wow, mind-blowing Bridget, it’s probably best to spread this idea in a press release to save people roughly thirty euros.
I wish to thank all my colleagues at Cursor for looking out for unusual press releases. And, naturally, to all those organizations and companies that didn’t think of audience segmentation, I couldn’t have written this piece without you.
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